Deliciousness = a one year old and vanilla flavoured coffee creamer

I should be doing reading for my English class.  It probably also wouldn't hurt to hang out with Al for a bit before he heads into work tonight.
However, I have decided that writing is what I need to be doing for a few moments.

Yesterday Ald-man turned one.  One.  I wont say what everyone says, which is "I can't believe it!  That went so fast."  Because, how boring and same ol' same ol' would that sound?  Instead I will say that I have never felt so incredibly filled with emotion then I have the last few days.

I would be a liar if I said that the year went slow because, to be honest I am not sure where it went.  I do feel though that I was able to "lock and load" many amazing memories and moments from the past year and really absorb them.  I treasured as much as I could of Alden's first year.  That is not to say that I haven't been a tired, grumpy-ass, have-no-patience mess because heaven knows I certainly have been.

I have lost my temper more this past year than I think in the 5 years total since becoming a parent. I have said things that I have regretted, discplined in ways that weren't how I wanted and cried more than I felt necessary.  I, however, can honestly say that I have also drank in more baby cooes and sweet baby milk breathe than I thought possible.
I have smooched the crook of a chubby baby neck endlessly, and squeezed white, delicious, chunky baby thighs daily.
I have sat back and watched with pure love in my heart, as my three children played quietly together.  And while those moments of quiet play may only last 30 seconds, they are truly the best thirty seconds of my day week.

Yesterday we had a big ol' bbq party for Alden's first birthday.  I can say truly that I could feel the love and support from everyone there.
While I was insanely busy running around preparing food and doing things for the party, I felt the amazing energy that was all around.
The sun was shining, the kids were all having a great time and "Lilypad cocktail" was going down smooth.
Alden was receiving endless snuggles and kisses and the girls were having fun with all their friends.
There were brand new, sweet babies and big beautiful bellies that were begging to be rubbed.
It was a mixture of family and friends - some newer friends and some that we have known since the beginning of school.

I have debated whether to share a moment I had, because it was one that I will hold dear to my heart for the rest of my life.  It was a small moment, but one that had a huge impact on my day, and reminded me to be so thankful.

Alden and I snuck off into the bedroom for a quick nursing session.  It was right in the middle of the party, and I was so busy getting all the food out.
I took the opportunity to scoop my little one year old dude out of the arms of someone and closed the door.
We looked at each other, while he nursed.  It was quiet.  Just me and him.  (As I write this, I am tearing up.  The moment is still super fresh)  I whispered to him "This is all for you buddy."  He played with my hair as he continued to nurse and I kept staring at him.

I reminded myself in that moment to stop and take it all in.  I remembered that, whether people get cold beans or warm bottles of water does not matter.  That moment is what mattered.  That moment is what life is about.  Sitting with him in the stillness of our room, while outside it was lovely chaos, I remembered how only a mere year ago, he was born in that same room.  At that exact time, we were most likely snuggling in bed and he was most likely nursing.  We were probably staring at each other, similar to how we were yesterday, but a year ago it was to become familiar with one another.  We studied each other in a different way.  Now when we nurse, we often look at each other, and he will smile a little bit, and we share a look that only him and I will ever share.

I cried last night after everyone left.  I was filled with gratutide and love.  Of course also bittersweet tears began to flow as the thought that my baby is not really a baby anymore is a pretty big deal.

Today I woke, and amidst a pile of wrapping paper, mountains of dishes and toys galore I drank my coffee, looked around and felt nothing but pure gratitude.
We spent the day slowly cleaning and being outside and relaxing.
While all three kids were going for a tractor ride around the yard with daddy, I had a very distinct feeling of "how in the &*$% did I get so lucky?"  I literally had that feeling of such happiness and love that my chest hurt.
I know how cheesy that sounds but it's the only way that I can explain it.

In a world that seems to often be filled with uncertainty, today I felt completely certain that everything in my life has truly led up to that moment.
That moment where I closed my eyes, breathed in the smell of fresh cut grass and vanilla flavoured coffee creamer and felt completely at peace.

Love, hope and mostly fear

I am so filled what seems to be a bazillion emotions and thoughts right now, that I am unsure as to what I can write that will truly explain even a portion of them.

Yesterday I had the extreme pleasure of attending a labouring mama and her partner in the hospital. 

  To say that it was such a privilege to be there would truly be an understatement.  I will forever continue to be amazed by a woman`s strength and determination as she brings her baby down and prepares to bring them into the world.  I will always admire the deep connection a woman and her partner have during this precious time.  What I have noticed time and again is that, more often than not, a labouring woman seems to find the most comfort in the smallest touches – no words.  The small ``I am here for you`` touch of the shoulder, the ``you can do this`` brushing the hair away from the eyes are what really seem to matter.  Every birth I have had the pleasure of attending, I can truly say that I have found myself close to, if not in, tears watching this beautiful relationship deepen.

To have an expectant couple even entertain the idea of having me at their child`s birth is truly such an honour to me.  I can`t tell these parents enough that, as much as they say I helped them, they helped me even more.  I walk away from every birth, not only high on love emotions and adrenaline, but filled with the deepest gratitude.  I was watching a video documentary about midwives a few days ago, and one midwife summed it up perfectly: ``There are two things in life that are for certain.  Birth and death.  To be able to be there when a woman brings her child into world is the deepest honour.``  How true. Those words have sat with me, and are exactly how I feel.

Those words are what keep me going towards my dream of becoming a midwife.  While it is surely going to be a long, hard road – for not only myself but my family – I have come to the deep realization that I am pushing off a dream that is so true to my heart that it can`t be ignored any more.  I was finding ways to make the possibility of not ever becoming a midwife be ok.  I was making excuses.  I was afraid that I would fail.  I was afraid of the possibility of having to relocate during clinical.  I was afraid of the deep and hard impact it would have on my family.  And you know what?  I am STILL afraid.  A wonderful person in my life stated it simply for me: “Fear is a good thing.”  How true is that?  Fear means that this is something that I want so badly that it scares me.  I am afraid of failure because I couldn’t possibly imagine doing anything else in my life that will fulfill me that way that being a midwife will.  Fear is what drives me to plug away at university preparation courses, in the hopes of one day having them done to finally apply.  Fear is a good thing.

So, here I sit on this chilly but sunny Sunday filled up to the brim with gratitude, optimism and fear.  A perfect combination, if you ask me.

Have a wonderful Sunday, my friends.  I am inviting you to think of what goals and dreams bring forth your rawest emotions.  What is holding you back from pursuing them?  Dig deep.  The answer is there.

When it rains.....

...pull out the mattresses into the living room and make your own gymnastics space.
Sure, that wasn't the initial reason for pulling them down in the first place, but the second the girls saw them all piled up against one another, they couldn't contain themselves.  Their eyes pleaded with me, as they looked longingly at the pile of a summersault, flipping session waiting to happen.
My first instinct was to say no but then my ten year old self got the better of me and before I knew it, I was (am still) watching two little girls giddy with excitement, jumping on the mattresses.  Lil' dude watches from close by.

The first reason for pulling out the mattresses was as much for myself as the kids.  Today has been a day where I have had some trouble keeping my patience.  Finally, over lunch that was accompanied by tears and pouty faces (from all of us), it was decided that, together we would clean up the toys and pull down the mattresses from the girls room to make one.big.awesome.bed.  The second I suggested this, the girls' faces lit up.  A slumber party!  In the middle of the day!

So, here we are, mattresses ready for what will soon be an afternoon snuggle-fest. In the meantime, 10-year old Ang is loving watching the girls in their own world, making the mattresses their own gymnastics studio.
Lil' man is a bit under the weather, sort of like today's actual weather (blah) so a good snuggle is definitely in order.

Next post promises to be filled with more excitement - but then again, really what is more exciting than an impromptu afternoon summersault competition?  Right now, nothing.

I started writing a blog post and deleted it.  It didn`t sound real.   I feel that, after not having written a post in quite a while, I owe it to myself and my readers to be true - something that I always thrive to do on this blog.  While the first blog entry was true, I guess it wasn`t what I really wanted to write about at this time.
I feel like there is so much that I need to update and talk about and at the same time, everything seems so new still and in the process that I don`t have much to report - if that makes sense....

Family is doing great.  The girls are both thriving at school and I am amazed at what they come home saying, singing and doing.  They get along quite well together (for the most part) and adore their baby brother.
Little man is quickly approaching one year and although people say this all the time, it`s true that time has flown.  In the same breathe though, I honestly feel like his first year hasn`t gone by at lightening speed.  I do think that I have remembered to stop and enjoy moments, and I am going to guess that a lot of that has to do with the true realization that he is our last baby.  I am soaking in his chunky legs, drooly smile and baby breathe.
I am truly loving watching him interact with his sisters, and them with him.
As I type this, no word of a lie, all three kids are sitting beside me reading and looking at books.  They kill me.

As for me, I am feeling optimistic about my career future.  While becoming a midwife is still a dream of mine, I understand (after much thought and visualizing life as a midwifery student with three young kids) that it is not realistic at this time, for our family.  That took a lot for me to realize but it also helped me knowing that, it doesn`t mean I need to let go of that dream - I am still holding it in my heart, allowing it to grow even bigger until it is time to re-visit it.

In the meantime, I am venturing down the path of unknown, to a degree.  I still plan on doula-ing and teaching classes and am excited to see what other doors, within the same work open this year.   I am hopeful that I am going to meet some wonderful like-minded people, and it has already started.

I was told that I need to keep my focus.  Ahhhh this is very true.  I am trying to stay realistic in my goals (wow, I am realizing that the word realistic has come up a lot this post - an aha moment for this lady) and at the same time, truly know that whatever I feel I want in life, can be accomplished. It takes time and patience.  Patience is NOT one of my strong points, but I am working on it.

I read a page from this book a few nights ago and was really amazed with what happened to read.  Someone told me that it worked to read this book by just flipping it open when needing some clarity, sort of like drawing cards.  Before I had been told that,  I was reading it as you would any book, from start to finish.  I tried the other way and truly was amazed at how perfect the words were for what I was needing at that moment.  Call it what you will, but the dreamer in me likes to call it fate.
I was reminded on those pages that, even though I am encountering a cross-roads of what to do with work and school I should remember to be thankful.  Many people unfortunately may not be given even those options to ponder, so I must remember to feel thankful that I even have these options - that they are even options in life that I can seriously consider.
That struck a cord with me.

While I feel that we all have choices in life, I think it`s safe to say that the choices we are given vary greatly.
I am blessed with so many things and people in my life.  I am also so blessed to be working with people and in a field that I love so much.  Being faced with the choice of which way to go in this amazing field is NOT a struggle but rather a blessed part of the journey.
I am noticing that I am also writing the word blessed a lot.  I feel it.  Every day.  Some days it is clear as day and I am filled with it every step I take.  Other days, I need to stop and remind myself of it because, hey I am human.

This isn`t really where I wanted this post to go, but the universe had other plans so I will just go with it.  My fingers are itching to keep typing but the mama in me is saying, `close the computer and play with your kids`. - so I am listening.

I hope that everyone is having a great day.  The weekend is almost upon us.  Hopefully some time to relax, and if you really allow yourself to, feel the blessings come pouring in.

Let go

I get ideas in my head, and I run with them.  More often than not I am bummed to admit , I don't get very far.
This seems to be especially as of lately, and by lately, I mean since having my first kid almost 5 years ago.
I don't think it is any surprise, especially to other mamas out there, that mothering has taken front and center.
I did, however, get some stellar certifications in the first years of being a mom, such as my doula certification, Dancing for Birth and Childbirth educator.

Last night I was so full of creative juices and energy in my brain that it was just screaming to get out.  It was weird as, all day I was in a grumpy-ass, 'don't look at me wrong or say the wrong thing', type of mood.  Don't you love those?  My husband adores them.
However, by the time the kids were gearing up for bed (this time of day I seem to be my peppiest (is that a word?)), I was already in full gear in my mind.

It became so obvious that I was not using my certifications and skills to their full potential.  Heck, not even a fraction.  I think I became so wrapped up, and in my head, about midwifery, school and trying to figure out how I could ever make that work, that I let myself forget what I am already capable of, right now.

The hubster and I were talking briefly about bills, etc last night and I started to feel that familiar guilt.  I am sure some of you know what I am talking about.  That guilt that comes with not contributing to our house financially.  Al has never put this guilt on me, it is something I do to myself.
I started thinking about getting a part time job, just to save some extra flow.  I was about to begin looking online at local shops hiring.
Out of no where it struck me: what the heck am I doing?  I am capable of working for myself, teaching wonderful pregnant women and their partners.  I knew in my heart that, even though midwifery is still a very distant dream, it is important that I still use my skills and passion to help others in any way  I can.

I immediately began looking online for places I could teach classes.  I fired off emails hoping to collaborate with other studios, instructors, doulas.
I started a new blog as well as Facebook page.  I began paying more attention to my website, and thinking of ways I can re-vamp it.
Oh yes, didn't you know?  I have a website.  It's amazing and I have had it for 2 years.  TWO YEARS!  For two years I have had my name out there, but haven't persued it any further.  Now is the time.
For those interested, my website is:
www.naturalprenatalservices.com

My blog is:
http://naturalprenatalservices.blogspot.ca/

When I was trying to fall asleep last night (it took forever!), I kept hearing the same words in my head: "Let go".  Seriously, over and over I heard these two words.  I also felt an incredible calm.  I fell asleep excited and yet very calm at the same time.
Call it what you want, but if you choose to think close to how I do, you may agree that that was my inner voice talking.  The voice that, we all have and that wants to be heard, if we truly let it.  Not the ego in us, that can overpower our inner voice, making us think thoughts and act in a way that aren't our true nature.  This voice, it has your best intentions at heart.  It wants you to succeed.  Of course it does, it's you.
Anyways, I believe that, I really do.

I can honestly say that, for once my mind was calm and I wasn't thinking a mile a minute.  I was relaxed physically and was at ease.  That is always the perfect time to tap into your true self.  Listen.  I heard those two words for a reason.

I feel that, in the last 6-ish months I have been on this quest.  I have struggled internally with the thoughts and guilt of going back to school.  I have begged for an answer, talking about it endlessly with people and have gone over every single scenario.  What is best for me?  What is best for my family?  What if I never go back?  What if I do go to school for midwifery and it's too much?  Round and round and round.

Let go.  Let go of those thoughts, that desire to know all the answers right now.  I have posted about this on this blog before but truly honestly, I was not fully understanding those words.  Let go.  I have a feeling that, if I let go of those thoughts, and also of having to have my business up and running and full of clients right.this.second ('cuz we know that's gonna happen ;) ), then good things will come.  If I let go of my guilt of not contributing financially, and just purely focus on things that make me happy (my family, my business, my friends....), things will fall into place.

Let go.

For those that find these words comforting and interesting, I invite you to find where you are holding on too tight.  Where are you struggling to find answers, but not really listening?  Let go.

Happy Tuesday everyone.

A little lovin'

Today I am loving....

~the anticipation and eagerness of a slowly rising bubble bath.  The smell of newly purchased chocoate scented bubble bath, a good book and the warmth of the water - at only 10am.

~the excitement of a child when, all snug in bundles upon bundles, they finally are able to step on the fresh and sparkly pure white snow.

~the colour of the above mentioned pure white snow, when it has been touched by the artistic creations of a 2 and 4 year old (and almost 30 year old) with water mixed with food colouring, in a water bottle with the a hole in the top (seriously, you should all try this - thank you Pintrest!)

This is the Pintrest picture - pretty neat, eh?

~the squeals of a certain 9 month old, while chomping away on his mum-mum with his adorable two front teeth.

~the smell of crock pot chicken chili.  The anticipation of tonight's dinner and dunking big delicious peices of garlic toast into the chili goodness.

~the feeling of super fuzy and warm track pants, and a comfy tank top, with no, er , under clothes - ahhhh Sunday "freedom" (just the top half folks, c'mon now).

~the Sunday afternoon quiet time.  Knowing that a new week is upon us and ready to teach us new lessons and allow us to embark on new adventures.

Happy sunny, bright Sunday everyone

reminders

Two conversations that happened before noon today have made me think a bit more on this sunny Wednesday afternoon.

The first was with a mom at gymnastics (well, they both were with moms at gymnastics).  I am going to be honest and say that I may have judged this women a tad.  In previous classes I have heard her discuss loudly about parties she was hosting where they stayed up oh-so-late and had a wonderful time.
I was hearing this while being up oh-so-late myself, with a sick and teething baby.  So, was my judgement stemming from jealousy that this mom that always looks so put together at a 9:30am gymnastics class was able to throw together a suave party for adults, and stay up past 9pm?  Yes.  Did I secretly want to hear all the details of her party, while imagining myself there, having genuine adult conversation and sipping on rose wine?  Probably.

Today I spoke to this mom and was amazed at her kindess and open heart.  She spoke about some health struggles she has been having.  Things that have been so hard on her body.  She spoke about how she has taken the time that she plays with her kids and listening to their little voices play in the next room more preciously.
I nodded and agreed and told her how hard it must be, to not be feeling well, for so long.
Inside my head, I cursed myself for allowing myself to get all in my ego, judging her from a simple conversation I overhead.

The next conversation with the next mom touched me even more.  I had spoken to her at earlier classes and I truly enjoyed our conversation.
Also a mom of three, she seemed very connected to her children.  We talked a few weeks ago about how hard it can be as a mom, worrying about bullying in the schools, teaching our kids good morals, etc.
Today we discussed her oldest son.  He was diagnosed with cancer at the tender age of 4.  Her daughter that is in the class with Alanna (who is super adorable) has been so strong through the doctors visits, time away from mom and dad, etc and mom decided this was the perfect class, just for her.
Her son is now 7 and cancer free. He just finished chemo 2 weeks ago.
She talked about how hard it was, and still is.  How the worry is always there.

And then she said how my husband and I looked so familiar (Alan was at the class last week and she still remembered).  Out of nowhere she said, "Did you guys go to Mac?  The 3F clinic?" (that is the clinic Aubrey visits).  I was stunned.  I replied yes and told her briefly about Aubrey's kidney.
She remembered seeing us there.  She then said something amazing.
She told me that everytime she is there, she always tries to make friendly conversation with the other parents in the clinic.
I was flabbergasted.  The mother of a sweet baby boy that was sick with cancer was going out of her way to make other parents feel more at ease while at the hospital.
We were two of those parents.

I was reminded of the kindness and warm heart of people.  I was shown today that, first: you NEVER know what someone is going through.
I am guilty of passing judgment, even when I don't realize it.  Who am I - who is ANYONE - to assume and judge things about others?  Everyone has their own battles - their own story.

I was also shown today that, people normally want to share their story.  They want to talk about their journeys - as an individual and as a family.  People want to feel like their story inspires.  I think we all want to feel that we are being listened to, that we are heard and that what we are saying matters.
I know for Aubrey, and I have said this before, we appreciate when loved ones ask about how she is doing.
When she was first born, I felt like many people didn't know if they should ask.  We live it.  It's a part of our family.  By not talking about it, it's like leaving an entire part of who we are out of the picture.
I think this rings true, whether it be about a health issue, emotional trauma or spiritual journey.
We all want to be heard.

More important than being heard, I think, is being the one listening.  Listening to these amazing women share a bit about their personal lives today, I felt so thankful.  I FEEL so thankful.
I am appreciative for my health, for my families health. I am thankful that I was able to connect and have a small chat with some truly inspiring women today.
They have reminded me that, every day is a gift.  One more day to hug my babies, watch them grow and, if I am really lucky, meet some really amazing people.

Happy Wednesday everyone.
Thank you for taking the time to read my mid-week thoughts.