However, I have decided that writing is what I need to be doing for a few moments.
Yesterday Ald-man turned one. One. I wont say what everyone says, which is "I can't believe it! That went so fast." Because, how boring and same ol' same ol' would that sound? Instead I will say that I have never felt so incredibly filled with emotion then I have the last few days.
I would be a liar if I said that the year went slow because, to be honest I am not sure where it went. I do feel though that I was able to "lock and load" many amazing memories and moments from the past year and really absorb them. I treasured as much as I could of Alden's first year. That is not to say that I haven't been a tired, grumpy-ass, have-no-patience mess because heaven knows I certainly have been.
I have lost my temper more this past year than I think in the 5 years total since becoming a parent. I have said things that I have regretted, discplined in ways that weren't how I wanted and cried more than I felt necessary. I, however, can honestly say that I have also drank in more baby cooes and sweet baby milk breathe than I thought possible.
I have smooched the crook of a chubby baby neck endlessly, and squeezed white, delicious, chunky baby thighs daily.
I have sat back and watched with pure love in my heart, as my three children played quietly together. And while those moments of quiet play may only last 30 seconds, they are truly the best thirty seconds of my
Yesterday we had a big ol' bbq party for Alden's first birthday. I can say truly that I could feel the love and support from everyone there.
While I was insanely busy running around preparing food and doing things for the party, I felt the amazing energy that was all around.
The sun was shining, the kids were all having a great time and "Lilypad cocktail" was going down smooth.
Alden was receiving endless snuggles and kisses and the girls were having fun with all their friends.
There were brand new, sweet babies and big beautiful bellies that were begging to be rubbed.
It was a mixture of family and friends - some newer friends and some that we have known since the beginning of school.
I have debated whether to share a moment I had, because it was one that I will hold dear to my heart for the rest of my life. It was a small moment, but one that had a huge impact on my day, and reminded me to be so thankful.
Alden and I snuck off into the bedroom for a quick nursing session. It was right in the middle of the party, and I was so busy getting all the food out.
I took the opportunity to scoop my little one year old dude out of the arms of someone and closed the door.
We looked at each other, while he nursed. It was quiet. Just me and him. (As I write this, I am tearing up. The moment is still super fresh) I whispered to him "This is all for you buddy." He played with my hair as he continued to nurse and I kept staring at him.
I reminded myself in that moment to stop and take it all in. I remembered that, whether people get cold beans or warm bottles of water does not matter. That moment is what mattered. That moment is what life is about. Sitting with him in the stillness of our room, while outside it was lovely chaos, I remembered how only a mere year ago, he was born in that same room. At that exact time, we were most likely snuggling in bed and he was most likely nursing. We were probably staring at each other, similar to how we were yesterday, but a year ago it was to become familiar with one another. We studied each other in a different way. Now when we nurse, we often look at each other, and he will smile a little bit, and we share a look that only him and I will ever share.
I cried last night after everyone left. I was filled with gratutide and love. Of course also bittersweet tears began to flow as the thought that my baby is not really a baby anymore is a pretty big deal.
Today I woke, and amidst a pile of wrapping paper, mountains of dishes and toys galore I drank my coffee, looked around and felt nothing but pure gratitude.
We spent the day slowly cleaning and being outside and relaxing.
While all three kids were going for a tractor ride around the yard with daddy, I had a very distinct feeling of "how in the &*$% did I get so lucky?" I literally had that feeling of such happiness and love that my chest hurt.
I know how cheesy that sounds but it's the only way that I can explain it.
In a world that seems to often be filled with uncertainty, today I felt completely certain that everything in my life has truly led up to that moment.
That moment where I closed my eyes, breathed in the smell of fresh cut grass and vanilla flavoured coffee creamer and felt completely at peace.